Kevin's Life On The Fast Lane

I am getting a little bogged down with school. I have two major papers due next week, and I have some makeup work to do, and I have a test on Thursday. UGH!!! I did find out that I am getting twice the amount of $$ that I originally thought I was getting for school, so some stress is relieved about bills and what not. My goodness I have alot of work cut out for me, but next week is the closing of the first 5 week session, and instead of having 3 classes at a time, I will only have two which will cut out alot of work (but not all ).

Work has kinda sucked the past week. I didn't make very much at all, and I only work on the weekends, so I am pretty stressed out on bills. Either I am going to have to try to get more hours, or I am going to have to search for a job that will give me more hours. So, I guess I will see what happens with my schedule for this week before I make that sort of decision.

Ashleigh and I have been doing fine. We went to see Indiana Jones last night. It was a pretty good film. It was the first Indy movie that she ever saw. My baby has seen alot of movies, but when it comes to the really great movies, she is so sheltered...lol. I love her anyways though. She graduates from school this Friday, and I swear work better not schedule me.

So, after my date last night, I come home and I find out that my dad called me. It turns out that he is moving back to the east coast. That's really good because his stubborn ass needs help because he is disabled from his massive heart attack. He wants to start a relationship with us again. I am a little wary of it because of the whole child beating thing he did to me when I was younger. However, shit happens and people change, so I think I could give it a shot.

I saw a tornado last week. I was in art class and it flew right past us. My teacher says, "Well, I am going to go ahead and cancel last for tonight." It was so awesome. I love bad weather.

Anyways, I gotta go now. I am starving, so I am going to raid my fridge.

God, it's been over a year, and I still cannot get over Ashley. I have tried so hard, but I can't seem to do it. In fact, I am still madly in love with her. Hell, I have tried to date other women, but I always end up comparing them to Ashley. I also compare women that I see on the street to her. All I want is to be with her, and that has not changed. Everyone says that I need to get over her and move on, or that I can find someone better, but honestly, I really can't. It always comes down to the fact that I love her with all of my heart. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't think that I can handle being without her anymore. It is tearing me up so badly that I really feel like I'm going to get sick over it or go insane. I feel like I am close to a nervous breakdown.

I don't know why I can't seem to let go. I have tried to let go of her, but I only end up hurtng myself more when I do. When I dated those other girls, I still felt lonely and out of place, and it just didn't feel right. Maybe it just wasn't the right girl, but I don't really think that is the case. They say that it takes half of the time you were in a relationship to get over it, but if that is the case then why haven't I been able to get over her? It is close to that time. Instead, it seems that I am getting worse and not better. I honestly don't know how much longer I can feel like this without falling apart, permanently.

It's been 8 months since Ashley left me, and I still have not been able to get over her. I thought that if I left then I could let her go and move on with my life, but now I know that it was just a lie to myself. I have always believed that Ashley and I were meant to be together and that we are soulmates. I don't date easily and when I do date then I usually leave a girl because I lose interest. Ashley has been the only girl that I really have loved and could spend the rest of my life together. Now I know that I will never marry, and I will probably never have children. In my heart, I know that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone. Sure, I could date other girls, but I could never have a serious relationship with them because deep down, the only woman for me is Ashley. They say that if you really love someone then you will let them go, but all it has done to me was torture me even more. Maybe I am blindly in love. I can't help it. I know in my heart that I could only truly be with her and no one else. I don't want to seriously date another girl. I spent years searching for Ashley. I can't take this anymore. I am honestly giving up on love because I know that it's a curse to me. I watch romance movies and it makes me sick because if that is how love really is then why can't it work for me. I don't blame Ashley for leaving me. I always knew that I wasn't good enough for her, but I love her. I could never feel the same way with another person. Now, I am going to spend the rest of my life alone, and I don't want that. My life has become absolutely meaningless. I only see things in gray now. I can't even take pleasure in the things I love doing anymore. Will I ever get past this? How long am I going to suffer? I don't want to hurt anymore. The 27th of this month would have been our 3 year anniversary. I can't even count the amount of times I have planned on just ending everything that day. I honestly can't say that I won't do something stupid that day because it's going to be absolutely hell. My birthday is going to be the same way because it will also be the anniversary that she left me. Maybe I am a fool for feeling this way, but I can't help it. I have never in my entire life ever thought about suicide, yet when Ashley left me, I was constantly trying. I was always an optimist, and now I am the complete opposite. I wish more than anything that I could have one more chance with her, but I am only kidding myself I think.

Oh, I am sore as hell. I had Kung Fu last night. I had a blast and a hell of a workout. I have two job interviews today. I have one with a staffing agency for a few positions, and I have one tonight at a place called Best Siders. So, hopefully I will have a good job. All of the jobs I have applied for pay at least $12/hour. WHOOHOO! Besides all of that, I have been really depressed because all I ever think about is Ashley. I thought that coming up here could get me to fall out of love with her, but I really was just kidding myself. In fact, I think of her even more now. I guess I am just blinded by love or that is what people tell me at least. I can't help it. I love that girl more than anything in this world. But, I guess when you really love someone then you have to learn to let them go. Anyways, I am gonna get off of here because I have to go get ready for my interview.

Things have been really interesting. I have started studying Kung-Fu, and I have been really sore because of it. Sean is even going to start taking it with me. It's really cheap. It costs $100 a month, and I get a free uniform. I am also learing Filipino stick fighting. I am going to a waterpark next week. I can't wait. I may be getting a really nice job, and I may be starting to date this one girl. She is pretty cute too. I am going to a party tomorrow, so I can meet some people because I haven't gone out a whole lot lately.

I still think of Ashley all of the time. It's driving me nuts. I can't even sleep at night because of it. I am getting tired of it actually. I just want to get her out of my head. I am trying so hard to get over here and to put her outta my mind. But, I am gone now, so it doesn't matter how I feel.

I hope things go well for me up here.

Today is my last day here in Hattiesburg. On my way to the library, I had to constantly stop myself from crying. I sometimes wonder if I am making the right decision, but I know that in order to start a new life then I have to leave Hattiesburg because of all the old memories. I am going over to see Brian and Tonne one last time before I leave. Then I have to go home and start packing and washing clothes then I am going to take a nice hot shower. After all, I won't be able to take one for several days. Ugh, I am so going to hate that....oh well at least I can still brush my teeth.

I got sooo wasted last night. I talked to Sean, the guy that I am going to be staying with last night too. Everything is all set, and they are ready for me to get here. There are alot of ppl that I am going to really miss. But, I may see them again some day.

Well, the past couple of weeks has been interesting but shitty at the same time. I have been working my ass off at Rose's, and I have been walking an awful lot. Well, I hurt myself doing it. I got tendonitis in my knee and also have fluid built up in it. I also moved into a new place. It's much more relaxing and calm there. Also, the guys I live with are pretty cool. Ashley has been over at my new place the last couple of days. God, I love her being there but at the same time, it hurts me because I want to be with her more than anything in the world. I am hoping that I can win her back. Even after all of the nonsense that we put each other through, I still love her with all of my heart, and I believe that I can win her back.

Anyways, MegaGate still hasn't called Pridestaff about wanting anybody to come there to work. I hope they call. I really want and need that job more than ever. So, I am praying that I can get a shot at it. I hate being injured because I am not supposed to leave the house or walk or anything. It really sucks, and I have been having cabin fever for the past few days.

Well, this has been the way the past couple of weeks have gone for me. I am hoping for the best. I really am praying that things start progressing for me. I am logging out now.

Last night my roommate told me that I had a message. It was from a staffing agency, and they were interested in getting me a job with MegaGate. Thank goodness I have HTML experience and can do these things. Well, I took a placement test, and I passed. So hopefully, this agency will be able to get me a job there. I can make $13.50 an hour to start. That is awesome. Last night, Lisa called me to ask if I wanted to go eat when she got off of work. I said yeah, and she picked me up an hour later. Well, we ended up going to Olive Garden. I was embarassed because she paid dinner for us. However, I did spend alot of money last week on her. Today, I worked, and I had my interview and then I had to donate plasma. By the end the day, I was wore out. I went to Lisa's for a couple of hours, and we watched tv for a little while. But then, I went home because she had to go to bed, and I was exhausted anyways.

--Kevin

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Ashley came by to get the last bit of her stuff, and I had to tell her that I couldn't see her again. I didn't want to do it. I hated doing it. I am crying as I write this because I think I am in more pain then when she left me. All I really wanted was to spend the rest of my life with her, and now I have to spend the rest of my life without her. I mean, I didn't know what else to do. She tells me that she loves me and wants to be with me, yet she is with someone else. All she ever has to do is say that she wants me back, and I would be there in a heartbeat. In fact, I know that I can't have a serious relationship because of that reason. I don't want to have to hurt someone I care about because I would take Ashley back any day of the week. Well, I guess that is life anyways. You can't always get what you want. I just know that my life won't really feel complete without her. Well, I guess I am going to go. I am fighting with Acclaim about getting my character unstuck in 9Dragons. Talk you all later.

--Kevin

Man, I can not believe that I woke up at 7 in the morning. I dreamed that I woke up staring at a laptop that said 8:30, and when I woke up it was 7. On other news, I've been thinking alot about Ashley. I really miss her, but I can't really do anything about that. I have been seeing this girl Lisa. Now, I really have been seeing her for a couple of months, but she went back to her husband for awhile trying to work things out, so I backed off. Well, things didn't work out. I knew they wouldn't, and I told her that they wouldn't, but I told her to be careful if she tried. Well, we started seeing each other again. I don't really know if things will work out or not, but I do enjoy her company. Mostly, we just hang out with each other. I took her to the bar the other night, and we socialized. I am still not over Ashley, so I am kind of precarious of us, so who knows? I can't believe I am up at seven in the morning. Lisa and I are going to go and run errands together. I don't want to work tonight dammit. More than likely, I will get off early, but I don't know. I only worked TWO DAYS last week..I am so angry about that. I am trying to find a better job, but I have been unsuccessful so far. Hopefully, I can find a decent day job with decent hours. Ugh, my mind is slow right now...lol. So, I am going to get off here before I write something stupid. Later peeps.

--Kevin

So, my friend Danny turned 23 today. Me, Brian, Tonne, and others from PNO went to St. Elmo's and had a few drinks then went to Brian and Tonne's to eat. I had a blast. Afterwards, I get home, and I started chatting with a girl that I met a while back. Well, I asked her if she would like to go out next week, and she said ok. And boy is this girl hot. So, I have a hot date next week. Oh, and I have a long weekend ahead of me. I have a double on Saturday, and I have to work tomorrow and Sunday. So, it's time to embrace my weekend.

So I went to St. Elmos like I usually do on Tuesday (KARAOKE!). My friends Amanda and Neil showed up, so I hung out with them mostly. We paid for each other's drink, and we all had a great time. I met a lot of really hot girls. Man, Elmo's was packed full of people. I meant to get some of their numbers, but I was having so much fun that I forgot. I sang two songs last night. One was Bad Moon Rising and then my friend Dustin and I sang Mr. Crowley together. Both times we had people cheering. Man, I love to perform. However, the fun ended when my roommate and I got into a bad arguement. It was not cool. Anyways, I am off for the next two days, and I am going to be so bored those days. Anyways, I am going to get off and recuperate. Later.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070416/ap_on_re_us/virginia_tech_shooting

Here is some shocking news. Blacksburg is about 45 minutes from where my family lives.

I will admit that I am a little tipsy. I got screwed over like 20 hours worth of work...I am so bitching at work tomorrow. I went and applied at Walmart, and I passed the assessment test. On my way home from Walmart, I ran into my friend Jeremy. I haven't seen him in really long time. Anyways, he took me to work to pick up my check, and then we went to Walmart again to cash it. I saw my friends Kat and Travis. I went and bought an ethernet cable to get internet in my room. After all of that, Euri and I went to the bar, and we met some cool people there. I have to work this weekend which sucks because I have to bust my ass for $5.15 a fucking hour. I hope I can find a much better job. I have to go to Dollar General and Chesterfield's sometime this week. Anyways, I am going to play MST3K with some Friday the 13th movies. Later.

--Kevin

I had an interesting Easter. I had to open the store that day. Well, our heater broke in our house, so I woke up freezing. I got dressed, and I was actually a little late. That kind of sucked, so I started doing our opening stuff. One guy tried to call, but we weren't open, so I didn't answer. He let it ring for like 15 minutes. I got off early because we didn't have anything to do. I brought home a pizza and watched some t.v. for awhile. Then I called my godfather's house, and I talked to a guy who came from Nigeria named Evergreen. He wanted to meet me, so I walked to my godfather's house, and I visited with them for awhile. Doug's brother was in town, and he gave me a tour of one of my houses. It's going to be really nice, and I want to live there, but I will have my chance eventually since I am getting the house eventually. Well, we had a random dinner of leftovers (except for a raspberry danish). Then Doug, his brother, and I sat out and drank coffee and smoke cigarettes, and we talked to my god-grandmother. Afterwards, I went home. Then my friends Euri, John and Dustin sat and watched Friday the 13th part 2 and 8 and played Mystery Science 3000 with it. I never had more fun watching those movies. Anyways, I gotta run to Checkers. Later

--Kevin

OMG,
I am soooo tired. I have been working like 5 days straight, and I still have to work two more days this week. Hopefully my manager will give me Monday off, so I can spend the day resting. I talked to him to him tonight about giving me an Assistant Manager position. He told me that I worked 100% of his expectations, and if I stay longer, I will definitely have an AM position. Finally, I feel like I may actually get somewhere with my life. Yeah, it is true that Domino's sucks, but if I stay there for a couple of years as a manager then I can go somewhere else with better hours and better pay. However, if I stay there a couple of years then Domino's has a program that can give me my own store. I wouldn't mind having my own business. Anyways, I am busting my ass at work, and I don't actually mind even though I have been absolutely exhausted. I get to work the day shift this morning, so I can have the night off, and I am supposed to go with Ashley's dad to see his mother because she is dying, and I want to to see her before she actually does. I have been rather depressed lately. I am still in love with Ashley, and it hurts so bad that I can't be with her anymore. But, I guess that is life, and I have to get over it. Anyways, I am exhausted, and have to open later this morning, so I am going to get off, so I can watch some Naruto. Until next time my friends.

Love,

--Kevin

Whew,
It has been a long week. The sad thing is that it isn't over. I have been working my tail off at Domino's, but it's okay because I may be getting an assistant manager position. Yay, that means I get benefits although I will be working even more. Man, it's exhausting me, but I am going to like my next paycheck. I think I am going to treat myself to a movie or something next week. I am putting internet in my room tomorrow, and I will be able to play WOW starting next week. Other than that, my life has been pretty boring lately. C'est la vie.

Well,
I have had a very interesting week. Tuesday, I went over to my friend Brian and Tonne's house. They are the ones that host Pagan Night Out. Well, I hung out with them, we had dinner and a beer and then we get a call from Jason and Traci (they own the Circle of the Green Faery in Petal). They want us to go to St. Elmo's and drink with them. So, we got ready and went on over there. It was karaoke night there, and they wanted me to do karaoke like I always do (so they can see me act a fool), but I did pretty well...I got the crowd started for the evening cause the last acts were pretty lame. So, I sang CCR's Susie Q. Then, on Wednesday, I saw my buddy Byron. I took Byron to eat at Wendy's then I hung out with him and his roomie Lisa. She is really hot and nice, and I liked her. She is a really intelligent girl and easy to talk to, and I like that quality in my friends. We all just sat around and watched a movie and just chatted. Whenever me and Byron get together, we always act rather goofy, and I got sore just from laughing alot. Then last night, I went out running errands, and then I went to anime club. I got to talk to Zack for the first time in ages, and afterwards, I went to my buddy Robert's house. He plays in the band Amadeus St. Vitus. They had to do a soundcheck for a show tonight. So, I helped them load up, and I went along with them. OMG this blonde hair woman played "Play that Funky Music White Boy" like 4 or 5 times. I am going to go watch them play tonight. I am excited because I like to make connections for music because here in a couple of months, I will hopefully being on the road to playing music. Anyways, that is all up to date for me.

You know what has been really weird lately. Ok, horoscopes that you get in the paper or online really aren't anything. Those things have to be done according to the time of your birth and things like that. However, I recieve online tarot readings that just come to me in my email. Normally, that is not me. I read tarot or at least I am learning to, and those things are supposed to work with your energy and stuff. But, these tarot readings off the internet have been on the mark every single damn day of the week. Its rather weird actually. I originally got them out of curiosity, but now I am like whoa! For example: The Eight of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in space. I am true to myself and will only regret the chances I don't take to seek or follow my hearts desire. I turn away from or make a clean sweep of that which does not honor or sustain my passion and love, and in this, I am not afraid to be alone. I am empowered to move forward or make space and my gift is letting go.

The one before that had to do with my love life, and all the bullshit that has gone on with it, and actually suggests what I should do. This is really weird. I believe in the power of tarot, but form the internet?? Who would've guessed. Well, anyways, I have taken its advice to some extent I guess. I might as well become a monk because now I will never date again. Plus, with becoming a monk, you can learn some really awesome martial arts. Its not too bad of an idea, but staying in just one location wouldn't do for me. I am too much of a freebird for that.

I have to go and set up my counseling today. I am really dreading that one. I hate counseling. It makes me feel vulnerable and worse coming out. I don't like letting down my barriers. Haha, I did that with Ashley. See where it got me. Anyhow, everyone says that it should be for the best. Maybe so. Hopefully, they can prescribe some sleep medication, so I can actually sleep for once. I tried to tonight, but I only slept for like an hour or two. This sucks. For, all of my friends out there, thank you for putting up with my bullshit. In some ways, it is time for me to move on.

I also have to go to city hall today. Hopefully, they have reviewed my application. And now, I can pass a piss test because I haven't touched pot in quite a long time. Never thought I would actually quit. I never was addicted to it. My drug addiction stopped about 3 years now. I fell short just once in all that time, but I have never looked back.

I really hate my life. I truly do, but I guess I got to fix certain aspects of it. I don't think I could ever be fully happy again. I used to love life, but now I regret coming out of my mother's belly. But, I can at least try to fix some things, so my life won't be as hard as it has been. I don't have any hope left, but I guess that doesn't matter really. I am going to try and shoot for my aspirations even though lately my songwriting hasn't been so good. I need to find some good advice about that. But, I am going to shoot for what I have always wanted, and hope that maybe some day, my true love will come back to me. Only then will I break my celibancy. If not, well there is always rock n roll...haha. I dedicated my life to it anyways. Well, enough of my rambling. I guess its time to go. I thank all of my friends once again for their help. Enough with the self-pity and resentment.

--Kevin

P.S. I am tired of all the bullshit webcam spamming done on myspace...its really starting to piss me off. DAMN YOU PORN WEBCAMMERS!!! Thank you.

I have finally come to the conclusion that in order for me to continue on with my life then I have to be rid of the things that are making me unhappy. This includes breaking all connection off with Ashley. Its gonna be painful for me, but it doesn't touch the pain that I feel whenever I see her. I am tired of crying everytime I see a picture of us, or a song that reminds me of her, and whenever I see her it tears me up to the point where I can't stop crying. I want to forget her, however I know I can't do that. I have decided that I am not going to date again. Alot of people say that I can do it, but I know that I couldn't because I am never going to let the barrier come down again. I refuse to be hurt anymore, and if I let that barrier down then I know that it will happen again.
On another note, it's possible that I am going to get a job with the city. The pay is good, and my rent will be cheaper now that we have some more roommates, so I can save up and pay off USM, so I can go back in the fall. Plus, I am working on getting a real part time job witht he liquor store up the street. So, I can use that money as my spending cash. I do need to get a bank account. Anyways, I plan on going back to Anime Club next week, so it gives me a reason to leave the house. I am going to get off here now. Well, catch you all later.

--Kevin